Years ago a movie was made about football players who replaced Dallas Cowboy players during a strike or something. I think Keanu Reeves played QB?
Anyhow, the New York Yankees are hurting. Their best relief pitcher is 67 years old and coming off a leg injury. Derek (I'm so beautiful) Jeter is 38 and may not start opening day because his ankle isn't fully healed. They have no catcher worthy of naming. A-Rod (never saw a PED I didn't like) will be out until summer, Texiera injured and out till June, pitcher Pettitte (maybe I'm retired, maybe not) is ancient and Sabathia is signing up for the Biggest Loser weight loss show. Speedy Gardner is just coming back from a year long injury... and the woes go on throughout the lineup.
Sals is coming to the rescue. That's right! Here's the lineup;
Right Field - Eileen "nothing gets by me" W.
Center Field - Al "they call me Sunshine"
Left Field - Mike "all thumbs" McCullough
First Base - Jan "Glove Like Glue" McCullough
Second Base - Lou "Quiz Master" Katz
Shortstop - Rick "I'm Retiring and You're not" Merritt
Third Base - Frank "strongarm" Q.
Catcher - Pete "Barefoot" Leonard (making baseball history, only barefoot catcher ever!)
Ace Pitcher - Mike "I still got the heat, baby" W.
Really, I don't think this is much of a downgrade from what the Yankees will have in their starting lineup.
The Erie Canal, Running Paradise
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Lift, Tuck, Strip, Pluck
Sitting at my work desk this morning with two co-workers nearby in their respective cells/cubicles, I was embarrassed when my stomach began loudly growling. There is a chance the sound didn't travel from my cube, but I can't be sure.
Quickly I pulled my big box of Corn Chex out from a file cabinet and began munching. I drank a lot of water. Thirty minutes later my stomach began complaining again. What to do? I decided to suck on my last piece of hard butterscotch candy. Ten minutes later I was grabbing my stomach and squeezing it to get the noise to stop.
And this is the crux of the problem! I'm a runner, a sometime swimmer, biker, weightlifter. Why do I have a belly to grab? Last year there was maybe a hint of a belly, I would be grabbing internal organs. A few years ago, no belly. Just flat skin, size 32 pants falling off, looking for a new belt buckle hole to tighten things up.
Now...I'm looking for a new belt buckle hole to loosen things up. What happened?
I saw a reflection of my face as the computer was booting up in the library classroom, the lighting apparently better than that at home in front of a mirror. My skin was sagging, I pulled it some, it sagged other places so I pulled more.
That's when it came to me. I need to be re-invented. My diet apparently isn't working as I'm still 5-10 pounds over a decent racing weight. The hundreds of situps (okay, 100) I do hasn't seemed to effect the belly muscles. So...I'm going to use our retirement fund to;
1. Liposuction belly fat.
2. Laser hair removal from body.
3. Hair addition/replacement on head (with dye).
4. Varicose veins stripped.
5. Face lifted.
These five things should make me the man Jan always wanted me to be and maybe was 25 years ago.
Quickly I pulled my big box of Corn Chex out from a file cabinet and began munching. I drank a lot of water. Thirty minutes later my stomach began complaining again. What to do? I decided to suck on my last piece of hard butterscotch candy. Ten minutes later I was grabbing my stomach and squeezing it to get the noise to stop.
And this is the crux of the problem! I'm a runner, a sometime swimmer, biker, weightlifter. Why do I have a belly to grab? Last year there was maybe a hint of a belly, I would be grabbing internal organs. A few years ago, no belly. Just flat skin, size 32 pants falling off, looking for a new belt buckle hole to tighten things up.
Now...I'm looking for a new belt buckle hole to loosen things up. What happened?
I saw a reflection of my face as the computer was booting up in the library classroom, the lighting apparently better than that at home in front of a mirror. My skin was sagging, I pulled it some, it sagged other places so I pulled more.
That's when it came to me. I need to be re-invented. My diet apparently isn't working as I'm still 5-10 pounds over a decent racing weight. The hundreds of situps (okay, 100) I do hasn't seemed to effect the belly muscles. So...I'm going to use our retirement fund to;
1. Liposuction belly fat.
2. Laser hair removal from body.
3. Hair addition/replacement on head (with dye).
4. Varicose veins stripped.
5. Face lifted.
These five things should make me the man Jan always wanted me to be and maybe was 25 years ago.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Banning Cell Phones?
Apparently some companies are banning the use of personal cell phones except for emergencies. Here are ten reasons Mike W's place of work might ban cell phones;
1. Mike’s cell phone is a replica of Jerry Seinfeld’s in the early 90’s episodes. His pants fall down whenever he hooks the phone to his belt buckle. This is really bad on those mornings he forgets to put on his underwear.
2. Mike disturbed his co-workers by walking the halls talking loudly to the pizza delivery guy every afternoon.
3. Mike’s cell phone ringtone for Eileen is KC and the Sunshine Band’s song “Get Down Tonight”, which is okay until he begins disco dancing in his cubicle every time she calls.
4. Mike got caught playing fantasy baseball on the cell during meetings.
5. Mike accidently left his phone inside one of his company’s spy satellites. The satellite crash landed in Russia when the phone disrupted some controls inside. The Russian Secret Service keeps calling Mike looking to buy more satellites.
6. Mike tried to text and walk down the hallway and knocked down his boss.
7. Mike’s Tweet followers outnumbered his company’s and they got upset. 4 followers?
8. In a cost-cutting move Mike’s company installed phone booths at the end of hallways and removed everyone’s desk phone and banned cell phones. Employees have to pay a quarter each time they make a call. The company’s stock shot up by .3 cents!
9. Mike keeps walking down the hall saying, “can you hear me now?” Coworkers all yell back, “of course we can, shut up”!! (from Lou)
10. Mike, ever the fashionista, kept comparing his cell phone cover to his co-workers. “Oh, aren’t these colors great?” “Where did you get that graphic?” “I like how that cover matches your shirt”. This was tolerated until his Powerpoint presentation at the last divisional meeting. Now all cell phones are banned.
1. Mike’s cell phone is a replica of Jerry Seinfeld’s in the early 90’s episodes. His pants fall down whenever he hooks the phone to his belt buckle. This is really bad on those mornings he forgets to put on his underwear.
2. Mike disturbed his co-workers by walking the halls talking loudly to the pizza delivery guy every afternoon.
3. Mike’s cell phone ringtone for Eileen is KC and the Sunshine Band’s song “Get Down Tonight”, which is okay until he begins disco dancing in his cubicle every time she calls.
4. Mike got caught playing fantasy baseball on the cell during meetings.
5. Mike accidently left his phone inside one of his company’s spy satellites. The satellite crash landed in Russia when the phone disrupted some controls inside. The Russian Secret Service keeps calling Mike looking to buy more satellites.
6. Mike tried to text and walk down the hallway and knocked down his boss.
7. Mike’s Tweet followers outnumbered his company’s and they got upset. 4 followers?
8. In a cost-cutting move Mike’s company installed phone booths at the end of hallways and removed everyone’s desk phone and banned cell phones. Employees have to pay a quarter each time they make a call. The company’s stock shot up by .3 cents!
9. Mike keeps walking down the hall saying, “can you hear me now?” Coworkers all yell back, “of course we can, shut up”!! (from Lou)
10. Mike, ever the fashionista, kept comparing his cell phone cover to his co-workers. “Oh, aren’t these colors great?” “Where did you get that graphic?” “I like how that cover matches your shirt”. This was tolerated until his Powerpoint presentation at the last divisional meeting. Now all cell phones are banned.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Race Registration Fees
The trend, which is only going to increase, is for races to encourage online entry. There are some races where you don’t have a choice. Register online or don’t race. I understand the basic reasoning:
1. “Green” – no paper wasted
2. Volunteers or paid staff not needed to open and process hundreds of entry forms
3. No hectic last minute race day registration for participants, volunteers or the timing company
4. Easier to collect information from participants that can later be used to market directly to known customers
5. Transfer of data from electronic entries to timing database much easier than hand entry
6. Guaranteed money to use for expenses before the race
There are several companies offering online entry services; Active.com, Getmeregistered.com, raceorganizer.com and runsignup.com are four of the largest. The fee structures are a bit different for each of them, but know that they are all in the business to make money. Currently raceorganizer.com only charges $1 for any race. Most companies charge a graduated fee depending on the race registration cost, from $2.00 to a percentage if registration is over $50. Active.com is charging a 14% fee to register online for Johnny’s Running of the Green in Rochester (I chose the paper form and paid for the stamp, saving $6.00 for my wife and myself).
What do customers get in return for the fee of paying online? This is what I don’t understand. The privilege of paying by credit card instead of a check? Not standing in line for late registration? Most races charge extra for day-of registration, so it’s not like they are losing money on that.
The race scene has changed dramatically over the last ten years with many selling out in days, hours or even minutes of opening registration. I get that online is the only way to handle this scenario. But your local 5 mile race is going to add 14% to your race fee? That I don’t understand. If directors take away the option of paper entry then I have a choice – pay the fee or don’t race. There may be times where I choose not to race.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Father Time
Congratulations to our buddy Pete on running the Myrtle Beach Marathon in 3:52. There are many reasons why this is an incredible time. First off, Pete is close to 120 years old. I exaggerate...a little. 2nd, He runs a lot with no shoes. According to Mrs. L, he hardly wears shoes at all. Right now I am unsure if he ran barefoot, but even his "long run shoes" are little more than slippers with a $100 logo. Third, Pete had to do a lot of his training in the winter with us. It is cold, windy, icy, snowy, and his running partners, me being one, are not the most stimulating group to run with. The other day we spend an hour discussing Big Bang Theory and trying to remember the what the pretty lady's name is on Modern Family. Pete is lucky he stayed awake. Finally, 26.2 miles run in under 4 hours is hard! That is a long way to go without a horse or Mike's Amish buggy. Pete describes himself as a skinny old man, exactly what I want to be when I grow up. Nice job, Pete.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Honey You Shrunk My Suit
As I write this it is early February, 15 inches of snow on the ground and for the first time since August I decided to go swimming. The pool at Monroe Community College is open MWF from 12-1. All the lanes were full today, but I got there a few minutes early and snagged one.
While changing in the locker room I noticed my tri swim suit was a bit tighter than I remember. It didn’t take much string to tighten around my waist. Pulling up the trunks over my thighs took a bit more effort. What did Jan do to my suit? It’s been sitting in the dresser drawer for five months. Jan must have washed my suit last August and shrunk it! Darn her.
As I sucked in my gut and draped my towel discreetly over my shoulders across my bulging belly I realized Jan may not have shrunk the suit. Hmmm. Maybe the wine/Bourbon/cookie desserts have to be cut back? Wait now, maybe a few extra pounds will help with flotation and my legs won’t sink?
Turns out that wasn’t true either. I swam like a porpoise for 175 yards before swallowing two gallons of water and coming up spewing like Mt. Etna (except water instead of lava). From then on it was 50 yards of swimming and 30 seconds of gasping.
Thankfully that is about how I left swimming in August, so at least my technique and conditioning haven’t deteriorated!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
If Only I Were Amish
We discuss many topics during a typical Saturday morning long run. Last week the conversation flowed seamlessly from work at Spacely Space Sprockets to retirement, health issues, sex, food, performance enhancing drugs, future racing plans and the virtues of being bald. We are truly renaissance men in running tights.
After a few miles I came up with the idea that Jan and I should become Amish. Mike W enthusiastically supported this idea and confirmed that with the appropriately trimmed beard I could make an excellent Amish man.
Think of the advantages if I were Amish! No more gasoline to buy at $3.80 a gallon. My daughter Andrea could take care of our horses. We would own a neat black buggy to drive to races. No more expensive running clothes to buy. Jan would race in her long handmade skirt and I would have nice long pants.
The Amish seem to enjoy riding bikes, as do Jan and I. They have swimming ponds on their farms, perfect for people who like triathlons. We can grow our own organic fruits and vegetables and I can build crooked furniture. In our spare time we can have a still, make our own wine and sell Jan's quilts at a roadside stand.
You know, this started as a joke, but is sounding better as I continue to write. The next time you see me on the roads I may be chewing on a bit of straw!
After a few miles I came up with the idea that Jan and I should become Amish. Mike W enthusiastically supported this idea and confirmed that with the appropriately trimmed beard I could make an excellent Amish man.
Think of the advantages if I were Amish! No more gasoline to buy at $3.80 a gallon. My daughter Andrea could take care of our horses. We would own a neat black buggy to drive to races. No more expensive running clothes to buy. Jan would race in her long handmade skirt and I would have nice long pants.
The Amish seem to enjoy riding bikes, as do Jan and I. They have swimming ponds on their farms, perfect for people who like triathlons. We can grow our own organic fruits and vegetables and I can build crooked furniture. In our spare time we can have a still, make our own wine and sell Jan's quilts at a roadside stand.
You know, this started as a joke, but is sounding better as I continue to write. The next time you see me on the roads I may be chewing on a bit of straw!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)