Sitting at my work desk this morning with two co-workers nearby in their respective cells/cubicles, I was embarrassed when my stomach began loudly growling. There is a chance the sound didn't travel from my cube, but I can't be sure.
Quickly I pulled my big box of Corn Chex out from a file cabinet and began munching. I drank a lot of water. Thirty minutes later my stomach began complaining again. What to do? I decided to suck on my last piece of hard butterscotch candy. Ten minutes later I was grabbing my stomach and squeezing it to get the noise to stop.
And this is the crux of the problem! I'm a runner, a sometime swimmer, biker, weightlifter. Why do I have a belly to grab? Last year there was maybe a hint of a belly, I would be grabbing internal organs. A few years ago, no belly. Just flat skin, size 32 pants falling off, looking for a new belt buckle hole to tighten things up.
Now...I'm looking for a new belt buckle hole to loosen things up. What happened?
I saw a reflection of my face as the computer was booting up in the library classroom, the lighting apparently better than that at home in front of a mirror. My skin was sagging, I pulled it some, it sagged other places so I pulled more.
That's when it came to me. I need to be re-invented. My diet apparently isn't working as I'm still 5-10 pounds over a decent racing weight. The hundreds of situps (okay, 100) I do hasn't seemed to effect the belly muscles. So...I'm going to use our retirement fund to;
1. Liposuction belly fat.
2. Laser hair removal from body.
3. Hair addition/replacement on head (with dye).
4. Varicose veins stripped.
5. Face lifted.
These five things should make me the man Jan always wanted me to be and maybe was 25 years ago.
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