Man Card

It is well known that all men are born with the mechanical genius gene, at least this is how we are stereotyped in American society today. The Man Card is given out before the baby leaves the hospital.


Men should automatically be able to fix bicycles, cars, washers, run electric throughout a house, repair any plumbing problem and build walls. Real men may have never operated a backhoe, but can rent one, take it home and dig a trench perfectly angled and slightly sloped to lay drainage pipes.

Unfortunately I was not born with this gene. If I had a man card it was taken away long ago, maybe destroyed at birth once the doctor took a good look at me? This weekend I went to clean out a slow moving drain in our bathroom. An easy fix, one that I’ve done several times in the past. It should take maybe an hour. Just remove the stopper from under the sink, clean it and put it all together again. Easy Peazy.

Three wrenches, a pair of pliers, several key swear words, some self-pity and an hour later I had the stopper out, along with all the piping leading from the sink to the last s-turn. Parts and tools were laying everywhere. Oh, and the mess from water that spilled out.

I diligently cleaned the stopper worried the entire time how I was going to get this back together again. After a break to build up my courage I attacked the pipes. The first piece would not go in straight and refused to be screwed together. Finally I got all three pieces lined up, the stopper in and turned on the water. It dripped profusely from the screw closest to the sink. I grabbed another man-sized wrench and cranked the bastard. Turned on the water and watched it leak. I repeated the cycle.

Our plumber is fantastic. He comes on time, does great work, charges a fair price and has a reasonably flexible schedule. Mike (a good name for a plumber) came over Sunday after he was done with church, no doubt praying for strength to fix my problems once again. Mike thinks he should be invited to Thanksgiving dinner at our house since he comes over so much anyhow.

Mike asked for my man card. I told him it was already taken away and I was attempting to earn a new one. Mike laughed and told me he’d be back on Monday with new parts to replace the ones I broke.

After trying to nap my blues away I got on my bike in the basement and rode. Then it was time for wine. Maybe next time I’ll just call a man with the gene intact and save myself some aggravation.