Why I Can't Swim

Finally, this morning, I discovered the absolute reason why, after 1000 yards or so, I can barely move through the pool.

Today was the first day of open lap swimming at the new Spencerport pool. Beginning at 8am, Eileen, Jan and I eagerly jumped into the pool for the first leg of the McTri. We were lucky, one of the lifeguards was the fourteen year old daughter of SuperMasterWoodworker/sometime runner/kayaker, Mark. I'm sure she didn't go home and tell the parental units how pitiful I looked in the pool (or out of it).

While Jan and Eileen torpedoed through the water like sharks going after prey, I splashed and slogged along. The longer I swam the more my butt and legs seemed to be sinking. I tried to find my buoy the experts always talk about. I thought about making myself long, floating through the water, extending out. Imagining myself to be Michael Phelps didn't help.

After 1200 measly yards I was reduced to backstroking 25, freestyle 25, and so on, until finally getting to my goal of 1500 yards. On a positive side I only lost 25 seconds or so for every 100 yards when doing the backstroke. Which really only proves how slow I am in the freestyle.

As I was attempting to exit the pool, Jan told me how huge my butt looked. I turned around and ...she was right! My butt grew by about 200 pounds. Somehow my body absorbs much of the water in the pool and accumulates it in my buttal area. (is buttal a word?). Evidently I never noticed this phenomena before. No wonder the bottom half of my body sinks, my arms tire, and breathing becomes difficult.

After the swim the three of us biked 15.7 miles in 28 degree weather, then Jan and I ran 4 miles while Eileen went home to run solo. I don't know how far Eileen the Dolphin swam, but Torpedo Jan went 2000 yards in less time than I swam 1600.

Now I have to search Google and discover how to keep from gaining 200 pounds while swimming.