Follicly Challenged

Our society takes the amount of hair on one's head (especially men's heads) much too seriously. Too much money is spent on hair care products (for those with hair, the bastards), combs, brushes- what mature male has enough hair for a brush? - styling gels, salons and other nonsense.

In my youth I had lots of hair; bushy, thick, brown hair. It hung out my football helmet, proved my manhood, was seldom cut, and actually curled more than I liked. Now I have a few strands in front and on the sides, a bit on top, just a bit, enough to make me think I have a full scalp, until the damn barber holds the mirror at the rear of my head to show me how well he cut the remnants, but really is only showing me skin!

I don't visit that barber much anymore. The young ladies at Supercuts never hold a mirror to this old man's head, which goes a long ways towards increasing their tip.

You may be asking what the hell does this have to do with sports? Supposedly if you are free of hair you swim faster, like a dolphin gliding through the water. I would like to glide through the water. The other night I found myself alone in the bathroom looking at the mounds of chest hair, especially the grey chest hair, on my body. "What possible use is this stuff anymore" I asked. "no use" was my answer. So I grabbed some scissors and began trimming.

This brings me to another point. Why do I lack hair on my head, the socially acceptable place to have lots of hair, but have a gift for growing hair on my chest, shoulders, arms, legs and ears? What curse has befallen me? Did I wrong some wizard in high school or college?

While my chest is not without hair, after all I did not shave it, there is less. Will I swim faster? Probably not, having my feet not act like anchors would help that more than losing hair. But I did notice today that my chest itches, like it was shaved. Now I'm really confused and feel like I'm in the Seinfeld episode when Jerry shaves all his chest hair off.

Kramer: Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? What's going on?
Jerry: What? Can't I get a moment's peace?
Kramer: What are you doing to yourself?
Jerry walks into camera view with his chest covered with shaving cream.
Jerry: I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.
Kramer: You can't keep this up. Don't you know what's going to happen? Everytime you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker.
Jerry: Oh that's an old wives tale.
Kramer: Is it? Look at this.
Kramer walks off-screen and opens his shirt. On-screen, Jerry reels from the sight.
Kramer: (high pitched voice) Look at it! Look at it! And it's all me. I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.
Jerry: Oh come on. That's genetics. That's not going to happen to me.
Kramer: Won't it? Or is it already starting to happen?

If you see me at the pool, please be polite and don't stare at my chest or scream.